Have you read this article yet? It really got me thinking about how I think about and structure my time. I’m a very task-oriented person. It makes me excel at work, but also makes me sort of manically work through my weekend to-do list in a way that emphasizes productivity. In a way, I have the opposite problem that this person has…I’m almost too efficient at the doing, and not at the being.
I’ve noticed since becoming pregnant I structure my weekends like this even more so. It became a thing to get ready for baby but now it’s like this weird haze of stress that sits over a lot of my weekend time. This is true even though I feel like R and I are pretty good at having relaxing weekends — watching exactly one episode of TV, going to the coffee shop, taking a nice walk.
I was at the library the other day and started browsing through this book on bullet journaling and it struck me as insanely obsessive. Like, here’s an idea — try to track every single thing you do to put nonstop pressure on yourself to be perfect. Oh yeah, and make sure it is visually pleasing as well. I have this same thing with fitbits and apple watches and all of those things meant to track data for…basically no reason. Even a meditation timer I downloaded recently tracks stats like how long my meditation ‘streak’ is, which makes you feel like meditation only counts if it is logged into the app. But what about time spent mindfully walking or drinking coffee?
I do track some data in my life — when I was lifting for strength, I wrote down my lifts. And I used to track my period and ovulation to avoid and then become pregnant. But the idea of quantifying my own life on this track to continuos improvement or productivity makes me feel very unhappy. Why not be okay with how I am and how my life looks at this moment, and practice being in this moment instead?
Life now is basically one long primal scream inside my head. I am increasingly nervous to have a baby! But also increasingly physically uncomfortable being pregnant! I feel like I just want to hatch the baby via egg and then take a month off from all life and then continue on. Weekly appointments are really getting me down…I feel like I am just waiting to give birth. I did schedule an induction acupuncture appointment for two days and one day before my due date but also feel scared to do that. I’m just 60/40 right now on all things, all the time.
Someone this week asked me if I had my baby yet, while looking right at me…the wonders of the world never cease. Pregnancy continues a slow path upwards towards kicking my butt. I guess it’s true what they say that the last month of pregnancy is what prepares you mentally for birth. I’m sort of looking forward to that and dreading four more weeks (or even six more weeks!) of increasingly being pregnant. I also developed some sciatic pain in the last week which is a real PITA. Sleeping has also been increasingly hard between endless peeing and a random early morning insomnia I tend to get. Also, I snore like an old man.
Mentally, I’m feeling really good. I feel like we’ve gotten all the essential errands done. I’ve organized a meetup with three other pregnant friends in our neighborhood which I’m really excited about, and really just thankful that I have a community of friends and family who are excited for me and for the baby.
A fine week. Not that much to report either way. I am feeling less anxious about the end of pregnancy and about labor because I figure it’ll just happen how it happens. Actually, I’m sort of excited for labor itself — what an event! Very thankful for leave. Without that, I’m sure I’d be a total basket case. Physically I feel fine, just like a slower version of my usual self but I’ve been pretty good at being realistic with my limits. I feel like I’m just biding my time until labor.
Oh, here was a hilarious thing that happened. I was on a confernece call at work and someone was like, “wow, 35 weeks! the baby could come whenever” and a junior person on the call got totally freaked out and was like “what do you mean?!? what do you mean it can come whenever? like in the office??”
A real conversation I had with my Mom (who used to be a midwife yesterday).
Mom: Are you 31 weeks next week for the baby shower?
Me: What??? I’m 34 weeks today!
Mom: …oh my god. This baby could come at any time!!!
I’m a member of an online February 2019 babies group and when I logged in after this conversation, three people had had babies the night before. So this baby really could come any time. It’s interesting because I feel like in my office, there is mostly a sense of denial even though I’ll be off for six months and have been working there for 8 years or so…I haven’t even gotten approval to tell any of my clients I’m on leave.
Physically, this week definitely had some high days and low days. Sometimes, I feel physically great and sometimes I feel wrecked. Comfortable sleep is increasingly hard and I’m trying to really take it day by day. I’m also at the midwives now every other week, and in three weeks, it’ll be every week. The trip out there and back is very tiring and we still haven’t figured out a plan for getting to the hospital (an hour away) in labor…but I’m also holding some mental space for figuring everything will work out one way or another.
I’m increasingly torn between wanting the baby to come out so I can meet it, see what it looks like, snuggle it, etc., and wanting to stay pregnant because there is something very sweet about having a baby living in your belly for so long, and obviously once out, it’ll never go back in. R has been singing it two little lullabies each night which is also very sweet.
Early nostalgia of motherhood I guess.
Here is my monthly review for December. If you want to read November’s, check it out here.
1) What went well this month?
- Learning a new way to relate. I set an intention this month to not argue with my family at all. They have been in a space of providing an overwhelming amount of advice that I often resisted. This month, I set an intention of relating to that in a new way — just listening to the feedback, but not really reacting or responding to it. It’s been pretty transformative.
- A nice morning routine. I’ve developed a very nice morning routine — meditation, stretching, using my light box. It’s long but gentle and leaves me in a good state of mind for things to come.
2) What didn’t go well this month?
- Work productivity. I’ve been so unmotivated and disinterested. Some of that is just physical, but a lot is lack of buy-in and a sense that I’m sort of just waiting to go on leave.
3) What did I work on last month and how did it go?
- Nourishment. This went really well. I’ve structured my weekends in a very relaxing way and have worked from home every other day or so which really helps my energy level.
4) What am I working towards?
- Feeling mentally good around baby prep. I’m in the final stretches of pregnancy and we’ve started to buy some things and put them in place — a bassinet, a carseat, some clothes, etc. I want to feel mostly finished and at ease in the next week or so instead of feeling stressed around everything I need to get done.
- More single-tasking and less internet browsing. I set a soft intention for January 1st to be a bit more focused in the moment. I’ve been having very consistent daily meditations, but there’s a lot of noise in my head. I want to live in the present moment a bit more.
- Nourishment. I want to keep this as an intention because it’s so helpful for me to decide which activities to partake in and how to treat my time.