This was a totally mediocre week. Which I’m fine with. I was sort of moody and dissatisfied all week, but went to the beach yesterday which was so wonderful for my mental health.
Pregnancy wise, I had a lot of anxiety. I heard three stories, from three totally different sources, about moms who lost their babies in month 4-5. It’s not something I am generally worried about, but boy was I worried about it this week. I remember when I found out I was pregnant, I sort of instantly had this anxiety around having a miscarriage. My period is always on time, so I knew right from week four, and also knew that miscarriage rates at that point are about 25%. And I realized that was sort of the first worry I would have about this fetus/baby/child but just the first one of a litany of worries that would continue as long as we were both alive.
Anyway, I’ve been trying to deal with it mindfully, knowing that I can’t directly control what’s happening in my body and I can just be compassionate towards myself and my emotions.
I am also thinking about finally scaling back my lifts…I’m at 190 for those pesky deadlifts and really, really want to hit 200 but am also getting increasingly tired and needing more time to recover post-workout. So I’ll play it by ear, but close to moving to lighter weight/higher reps.
Physically, beyond my insanely big boobs, I feel and look almost exactly the same. I can’t feel the hard spot that is my uterus peeking over the pelvic bone, I don’t have a visible baby bump, and I can’t feel any sort of movement. But somehow, tons of my clothes don’t fit. I broke the bullet and ordered some maternity basics (mostly leggings and tank tops), because I know it’s the sort of task I would put off until I have literally nothing left to wear.
Reading about pregnancy in more scientific ways has been cool. I have been digging Mindful Birth which is a mindfulness-based approach to childbirth and pain with a lot of practical exercises and The Science of Pregnancy which is really, really interesting — all about how babies are actually made and sustained, and what is happening in the woman’s body.